Dieting Sucks, Anyone Who Says Differently is Selling Something

The gym hasn’t been as packed as I expected it to be in these first weeks of 2014.  I was sort of dreading the New Year’s Resolution Rush, but I haven’t seen a ton of people.  Maybe it’s the time of day that I go—usually before the sun is up, because I have severe sleep and anxiety issues.

I was an athlete growing up as much as you can be an athlete.  I was a gymnast and I practiced eight times a week (yes, eight) at the peak of my career for about four hours per workout.  I have this lovely thing called muscle memory and as soon as I start to watch what I eat even remotely weight falls off of me faster than those people got out of that plane that landed in the Hudson river.

So I guess I’m lucky.

But I’m going to tell you a secret that no one really wants to tell you.

Dieting sucks.

Losing weight is not fun.  Anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is a liar and you shouldn’t ever trust them to watch your children.  They’ll probably try to feed them kale or something.  In a smoothie.  I don’t know about you, but my children are going to encounter smoothies the way God intended—as a chocolate milkshake in an old school burger diner.

The only reason I get to talk smack here is because I am one of those assholes that acts like losing weight is fun.  I’ve been that girl—“OMG BACK AT THE GYM FOR ROUND TWO!!!  LOVE MY LIFE!!!”  I think that was one of my status updates verbatim.  It’s okay, you’re allowed to unfriend me.  I would.

Okay, so back to this lie.  Dieting isn’t fun.

Eating a triple chocolate meltdown from Chili’s is fun.  Shooting a gun is fun.  Driving over the speed limit is fun.  Going on vacation is fun.  Playing with your dog is fun.  Watching Netflix is fun.  Having sex is fun.  Dieting ISN’T FUN.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not knocking health or saying you should make excuses and stay fat.  What I’m saying is, keep it real.  I go to the gym more than anyone I know and I’ll tell you what, I still get sick as I’m getting ready.  I don’t get excited.  I’m not happy about it.  I workout because I’m clinically depressed.  I need the endorphin boost and every time I see my doctor she asks me about it.  I do this gym routine to keep myself from going completely off my rocker, which I’ve done in the past.

Health is important.  I think everyone should try to be healthy!  I’m an Herbalife distributor and I’m going to be the first person to tell you that if I was on death row, I wouldn’t be asking for a cookies’n’cream shake.

I’ve learned a lot about health and fitness in my lifetime.  I’ve probably forgotten more than most people know.  And that’s fine.  I don’t give a flying fuck.  I’m not on a high horse about whether or not you work out or whether or not you counted your calories today.  It just doesn’t matter to me.

Another thing I have to say about dieting is that these people are soooo happy.  Like, unnaturally happy.  And if you’re not happy, don’t get in their way because you might disturb their happiness bubble.  I was one of them.  I was like, “OMG, no negativity allowed!”  Well, let me tell you another secret: it’s okay to not always be positive.  Sometimes shitty stuff happens, and you’re allowed to get mad or sad or hate the world and do whatever you need to do.  Friendships based on the idea that you should always be positive are the WORST, because they have no basis in reality.  The conversations that I have with my best friends revolve around stuff that goes a lot deeper than our weight loss goals.  We’ve been through addiction, heartbreak, death, divorce, cancer, and so many other things together.  And most of the time, my text messages aren’t unicorns shitting rainbows while Jesus rides them into the sunset.  They’re usually about how much I hate my Accounting professor or my bodily functions.  Or, on occasion, they’re screenshots of most of your status updates with me saying what I really think, which is, by the way, always hilarious.

Another thing I usually text about is food and how bad I want to eat it.

And speaking of food, if someone else has food, I covet it.  In the most Biblical sense of the word.  I wish that their food was mine and that I was putting it in my mouth even when it’s not something I like.  I hate even being in the Restorative Art classroom because it always smells like food.  And I love food.  God, I love food.

Dieting isn’t fun.  Losing weight isn’t fun.  Is it worth it?  That’s up to you.  I lost like 6% body fat and 20 pounds in one month, and you know what it felt like?  It felt like hungry.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to be rid of that 20 pounds.  I worked hard for it, too.  But I’m not going to sit here and tell you that broccoli covered in Mrs. Dash filled me up every night.

Some people say, “Well, if you’re hungry, you’re not doing it right.”  Please believe me when I say this is also a lie.  If you love something, and it’s taken away from you, you’re going to miss it.  So if I’m on a diet and I see a cupcake, it probably doesn’t matter how many fibrous vegetables and shakes I’ve had that day, I bet my stomach is going to growl.  During that month of dieting, I can recall one day when I’d eaten at least 1,500 calories and someone mentioned pasta and I’m fairly certain that my stomach ate part of itself.

I’m still losing weight.  I’m still exercising.  But I’m going to keep it real.  I don’t have to tell everyone every single time I go to the gym anymore.  I found out, also, that if you don’t take a picture of your food and Instagram it, you can STILL EAT IT!  Amazing, I know.

I don’t really care if you think I’m a bitch for saying this.  I’m not the Sugar Plum Fairy and I’m not here to make friends.  The part of my life where I played nice to meet people is over.  Now I just play the game my way and if someone wants to be on my team, they can try out.  I’ve got a few teammates, and they’re bitchy and awesome and scary at times.

They’ve got my back, no matter how many fat rolls it has on it.

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